Narcissistic Parenting/Repetitive Cycles

Forgive the typos..when I get involved on a topic I tend to go on so I don’t lose the momentum and will edit later on.

This was a hard topic to touch on because of definition itself. Many years of the unknown we never knew what a narcissist was. Today more and more people are now seeing a pattern in their relationships whether it’s in a work environment, marriage or relationship in general. You might say wow because we never heard this term nor did we realize we were in or even grew up in this type of environment as a child. Which brings me to conclusion that how we were treated as a child will affect us later in our adulthood.

From my experience and I will tell you I will go backwards here..writing about this brings so many emotions up to surface. So here it goes..I married my scapegoat and I was 19 turning 20 and this was a very tough time in my life. I married someone older by 10 years and being at home was just god awful. I went through trials by hating my stepfather and just how strict my parents were. I was timed to go to the store by my stepdad, I had to be the example since I was the oldest and by far was I allowed to fail at anything. I was an example of the perfect child with behavior, when I went out I was told to sit and not touch anything. I was involved in a lot activities so that I would not fall into any mistakes or trouble. I went to catholic all the way through college (not knowing this until after I was accepted) and two years of public while in transition of my parents moving. I mean that part was definitely a benefit to me because I became my own competitor at things and even as an adult I am a huge competitor and my own competition. My mom was a great mom and I love her but she was definitely hard on me and at times I feel like she could done things differently but as being an only child at first you tend to be hard I guess..I learned to be a an open mined parent where my children could talk to me about anything and no matter what they were my children and I loved them with every last fiber.

My mom put a lot of fear into me growing up..but in return that just made me rebel. She put fear of rollercoasters, traveling, talking to people she disliked etc. So everything she told me to do was opposite lol it was actually quite comical at the time because once I did it I would brag on how much I enjoyed it and went on later in life to take jobs that required travel. One other time was a time I was into modeling and she would say things like do you think you're better than everyone..harsh words on a kid that you wanted to do these things which often made me question if she was living her life through my eyes. My mother was a hard worker she worked two jobs and gave me everything I wanted as a child. I appreciated and value you every sacrifice she made to keep it together as a single parent and I saw first hand her struggle and I can now appreciate it as I have my own children who I would do anything for. Growing up I had the best of everything. I was a happy child because my mom did love me and show me unconditional love. Some of her ways of being strict was to prevent me from getting hurt. The next chapter of my life was hell..my ex husband was a great provider but he wasn't a good husband nor father. He abused me mentally, verbally and physically. I am surprised that I am alive with all the trauma I experienced. It started with me not following directions from him and so my punishment was to walk the dog and get locked out of my home with my daughter inside. I would freeze outside until I apologized. I was told that I wasn’t enough, I was constantly criticized and whenever I made dinner and in return it would be tossed in the toilet just so he could prove a point. I was sucked into voodoo also known as Santeria. I became very dark and isolated, I had no friends, no family. I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone to find out now it was because of his own insecurities and to find out he was a cheater and master mind manipulator. He made me believe I was crazy and that people would talk about me and it was him making me lose control. He would make me feel so ugly, useless and insecure that I wasn’t enough to coexist in a world with him. I later would find out he would work overtime, so that he could coverup up cheating. How do I know this? I started snooping through his clothes to find out he had another phone and he made a mistake of leaving receipts and things on our bank account that were off or did he purposely leave a trail? Then he would continuously be on his cell phone and it just became too much. You then question how do you apologize and accept these patterns. I had no answers and I wanted my marriage to work desperately because of fear and the “I told you so’s”from my family. At this point I only had one child and she went through it with me. One of my biggest regrets was staying because I was afraid and fear that everything this man told me would come true. This was just pathetic of me and even more so I sought I marriage counseling and after seeing two therapists one a female the other a male because he thought I plotted with the female therapist to see my side of things..that just wasn't it. It worked temporary and it was a bandaid with the I’m sorry and I will be better went to pure shit. The second therapist was a male and said i’m here to mend relationships and put them on a better path. He in turned said our marriage had so many wounds that he said it was best if we parted. Yes, a therapist said this. I stayed another few years and had two more children in between, four years apart thinking this would help and things got worst. On my 12th year I was distraught, traumatized broken and lost my identity as a woman. I remember thinking and blaming myself because I was just too weak to leave because I feared how was I going to do it especially with three children. The last time he struck me was the most scariest thing in the world and the last straw..a blow to my head, a 9mm gun pointed fully loaded and my daughter near me. I thought to myself when TF are you going to wake up and sure enough at that moment was when I realized blacked out and can remember a SWAT team removing me from the situation.

So you ask when is it enough..when you get mentally abused, beaten and verbally abused. I was assaulted, had unwanted sex and slept with a knife in between my mattress because I feared my life. I remember planning and took taekwondo because I watched the movie “Enough” and wanted to mentally prepare myself for the next attack. Instead I chose to get a bunch of credit cards, find a place. Within one week I managed to get myself into great debt obtaining credit cards so that I could find a place to call home so that I could put roof over my children’s head, furnished my apartment and had a great job to help support my children and put food on the table. The most important thing to me was my children’s welfare and that they had a happy childhood from there on. It’s never easy making these decisions and our children grow up and leave us at one point or another but give yourself that joy to enjoy, feel and experience love and feel life as it should be. If I knew what I know now at 49 I would have done things so differently but overall my greatest gift was having my three children. I knew it was my job as their protector to make sure they grew up with a lot of love and no fighting. Listen at the end of the day we all have flaws and are far from perfect but this helps in every way not to accept certain behaviors and I can tell you the “I’m sorry” because it gets old and boring. You learned that the other person must of had some trauma of parental disputes or maybe that there was some type of parental abandonment or resentment. One thing I know for sure is that there is no acceptance for this type of behavior. We tend to make excuses for wanting to put bandaids on the boo boo..eventually the bandaid will fall off.It’s the scariest thing to go through but know you are not alone. If you find yourself in this situation find a support group or contact me so that I can help you and will hold your hand through the process. I wish I had a me back in the day..I would have left sooner. Don’t wait for the last strike to be your very last. With all my love and support! xoxo